Journal Writing Good Friday, 2011

This is a spiritual paper stating my thoughts about focusing directly on God the Father and filling myself with the Father’s Light. It is also a self-affirmation on thoughts about opinions, advice, emotions and blame, compassion and loss, religion, spiritual structure and discipline, spiritual strength, ego, spiritual service, and being thankful.
This is also a reminder to all that there are many paths to God and we are all called in a very special way that is only between God and our Self.

Thoughts:

I always look forward to Easter because it means a New Beginning. This year I received an Easter gift from the Father on Maundy Thursday (Covenant Thursday), during meditation, and it was an image of an Easter basket filled with scissors, needles, thread, and a bolt of new fabric. He conveyed to me we were going to sew a “new fabric” for me. I wondered at this and realized over the last month my spiritual dreams have shown me that I must be careful not to fill myself with anything other than God’s Light. The wrong input can only hurt the very special path that God has set for me, as an individual being called forward by Him.

He reminded me again also that I must not overburden myself and become sidetracked with others fears or conflicting opinions about Higher Thought if they are pressing their own fears or views on me. He has reminded me to breathe only within Him and above all to always ask for HIS help because He is the only one that I can fully rely on in these matters because He is the Creator, and He has no human failings. Having created me, He knows me thoroughly and His love is without limits. He has stressed to me over and over these last years that no topic is too small for His help, His concern, or to just share with- like being happy. I have, over the years, learned to talk to Him about everything because as Creator, He can focus completely on each of us individually. He has encouraged me in this and now, after 11 years, I could not imagine it otherwise.

I have a hard time though asking for help when I am over my head, especially when I am faced with opposition and misunderstanding. I always think I can handle it or that I will just be given help- even though I know that we Do have to ask Him if we want help.

Therefore, He reminded me of this- otherwise I would fall into confusion, concentrating more on trying to make others see the beauty that I experience rather than focusing solely on my path to God. I have not the ability to carry this kind of weight on my own, to try and convince that what I say is real and of God. I know it is, but it is for the Father to teach others. Standing up to prove my truth has never been God’s wish for me and I should always hand these situations immediately to Him because in this type of work I am simply a tool. I never know when I will be asked to do this, because often I am approached out of the blue. Other times it is a reaction to one of my spiritual experiences that I have written about.

It is easy for someone else to ask; why share information that is conflicting to others? You will only get hurt.
It is not, nor has it ever been, my desire to clash with others. It is not for me to argue other truths. Yet, how can I, who has experienced the Father as I have done, keep silent of the beauty I know? God’s Light will shine through- I could not stop this even if I wanted too.

Even if these experiences are different than what others believe they should be- it is not for them to judge how God works through us. I cannot keep silent when this knowledge, the Light, comes through me. Not to express this joy would kill me. Like a songbird who lost its voice, I would die of misery. It is not God’s wish I keep silent.
If what I experience was not of God, then I would be foolish to express these experiences.

Why would I, a Being who wishes only for peace and calm and who deplores conflict, have this drive to share something that in the beginning shook the foundation of my own preconceived thoughts? – And the foundation of everyone else I love to the point of nearly losing them? …Because I have found that many who have come read my spiritual experiences with the Father are shaken within by what God chooses to share through me. They are shaken so that all the questions arise, fear, and wonder alike.

I have seen this time and again and I have learned through experience that this is one of the Father’s methods of turning us to face Him, by shaking us, stripping us, so that we can be molded again beneath Him. He pushes us to see ourselves as we are and then rebuilds us in His own making.
It is a beautiful and terrifying journey.

On the thought of opinions…I understand the desire to state opinions. It feels good to hear our own voice- like I am doing now in this writing. I have a desire to share my own thoughts- and those are opinions. I love an integral open-minded discussion about all things spiritual and others’ thoughts are a vital part of my own spiritual growth. To communicate in our world, opinions are necessary, but only as a learning tool. It is only when we expect others to believe only as we believe, trying to control others with our views that this pressure is wrong.

I feel as individuals we have a responsibility to our own path not to allow others to change us through pressure. This is when we need to search our own hearts and follow only what we know is true- no matter how difficult this is or what others think of us.

On the thought of advice, emotion, and blame…It has never been my desire to give personal advice. I never do, unless it is directly asked- but even then, over the years I have learned it is best never to advise another person. Rather I am a sounding board. However, this can still backfire, and often when others are in pain, they lash out, sometimes at me, – but I have learned that is my ego to think that this pain is directed at me because it is really to the Father that they are laying blame. It is their own frustration, and He has taught me that this is their cry for help. That is why I must not take it personally, ever, because it is HIM they are calling and He can handle the hurt. It is His great desire to help them.
There is something else I have learned. When others seek another human’s help in their spiritual quest one of several things can happen…

One, the one giving help, if she/he is not ready for such a service, can feel overly important and this can feed the ever-ravenous Ego-

Two, if the person serving is overly sensitive, they can become so drained from others’ confusion and pain that they become too weak to open themselves to their own Light, a Light directly from God. I have learned that even though the Father will never let us go, we can make it very difficult to be aware of Him. When this happens, to open again, we must heal- which can be a painful process- and all because we allowed ourselves to fall into other’s needs.
Three, the person looking for help, having relied on another person- a human, with human traits-often finds themselves sadly disappointed. This leads to frustration and the desire to blame the person who tried to help them! I have learned this is the human way- to blame anyone else but ourselves.

Indeed, everyone needs to ask God for help, rather than looking to others to fix their problems. The answers are not with others, but within us, within God. We each know our own way- even if our path is different than what others, to include religious institutions, say it should be. Other people are not to judge another person’s progress.

I do, however, have a great admiration for clergymen/women and other spiritual leaders who have through sacrifice given their service to God and who become the physical ears and words to those in need. Theirs can be a very hard load to carry because it is, from personal experience, very draining. I believe it can only be done fully if the one in service can detach him/herself emotionally and give the painfully to God. This is not to say that the one in service should not be compassionate, but compassion and emotional involvement are two different things. In being compassionate one can view a situation as a whole. Emotion drowns clear thought. If the one in service can keep clarity, then it is truly a blessing.

Therefore, those who have dedicated themselves to spiritual service should avoid carrying personal emotional attachments for anyone other than those who can be fully trusted to respect and support their path. Even if those who support do not fully agree with the path, they must be open and strong enough to trust. This is vital to the one in service because they need to feel confident and secure in their work so that they can concentrate and look forward only to God. They then in turn can help those around them from a place that is free from confusion and open to the clarity of Love.

This is not to say one should avoid the ties between family and friends because the Father is this Love between. Just be aware of the difference between Love and allowing emotion to cloud Higher Thought. Choose wisely what emotions to carry for yourself and others.

I am blessed in that I am supported by my husband and children, and a few others, who know who they are. Their support is a gift that gives me courage.

On the thought of compassion and loss…. One of my early lessons on this was my reaction to world pain. I said in my meditation that I felt sorry for those suffering and the Father helped me to understand that I should not feel sorry for them because this pain would bring them closer to Him quickly. I was taught I could feel compassion for them, but not pity because in their loss they would seek help. They would search, and when this help was not found, and in their worst moment, they would turn to Him. He taught me that that is our purpose- to return back to Him. It is in our darkest hour that we drop all pretenses and know this.

It took some time for me to understand the difference between compassion and pity. I learned that with compassion you can relate to another’s pain from a point that is not full of personal emotion. Compassion is like a teacher who has been a student and has learned that there is hope through the lessons we learn. There is no hope in pity.
The lesson of loss is a very common lesson that the Father uses. I have noticed this again and again particularly in connection with those who are actively aware that they are being called forward. I have seen them lose jobs, income, and all personal possessions only to have a new and brighter door open. I know others who have lost loved ones. The experience though is always a very personal one.

I too have experienced my own lesson in this in 2000, a year into my training. What I learned was that when we nearly lose or have lost what we love or hold on to most, we are forced to turn to the Father and recognize Him. When we do this and realize that all things come from Him, that He is Love and the Giver of all things, we receive back not only what was taken in some form, but we find that the Father is far more generous than we could have possibly imagined. This lesson, like all lessons, is tailored to an individual and how this lesson comes about, what the lesson is, and what they receive is not for anyone to judge, because most likely it will not be what we, as bystanders, think it should be.
I understand these lessons happen on all levels; individually, as families, nations, and the world. I understand lessons affect all levels of the Spirit as well.

The Father has taught me we should never judge, interfere, or feel sorry for another’s path because we do not know what they are learning or what their personal path to Him is.

I have learned the Father is Abundance and there is no limit to His generosity when we turn to Him. He has blessed me fully and my life is beautiful. I know I am cherished.

On the thought of dedication to one religion…I have been taught thoroughly by the Father not to dedicate to any one religion, without the Father, Himself being the only one that we answer too completely above all else. His Will Be Done. This is because all religions, although they may begin as pure, are all filled with the man-made. The man-made cannot be helped. The core of thought begins pure, in God’s Light, and then becomes human because human thought tends to levitate towards the self, and this brings forth the desire for money, power, and self-righteous doctrine. There is nothing God-like in self-righteous thought. There is no “one right” way- however, there are “many right” ways. For a person or religion to think they are the only ones who are right is arrogant.

Everything on earth has been infiltrated by man- the air, the land, the water, even the bible.
Everyone knows their own way to God- we should respect each other and not teach that our path is the only way. This is why we must be careful of religion. Anytime a religion tells us we must believe one way- their way, we run the risk of losing our way.

The Father has taught me He dislikes narrow thought. He encourages tolerance and understanding and above all, Love. He does not like spiritual ignorance. He has taught me to follow my heart which is at the center of Him- and to follow a path between religions- taking only from each what I know to be true. The only law I follow is God. My spirit answers only to Him.

I do find I am drawn into churches where the Presence of the Eucharist is present. I also find I can feel God’s Presence more fully at sacred sites. I know with certainty God is present everywhere, but in these places, I can feel His tangible Presence. I have thought about why I feel this, and I think it is because as a visitor to these places I can experience the purity within, without the everyday intruding in. Like living in a foreign country and not knowing much of the language…I can experience the beauty and culture without the drama.

On the thought of spiritual structure and discipline… There is a need, I believe, for spiritual structure and discipline and many seek this need in an established religious setting. I fully understand this need for spiritual discipline. I understand why churches draw individuals and families who want a spiritual path because this path is already established. It is also a path that feels safe- because others follow as well, and so these individuals searching feel the beliefs must have truth in them. There is a sense of safety in not having to use the mind thoroughly for a spiritual battleground of self-realization and Higher Awareness. I believe this is because in these established settings there are guidelines and borders. In this structure, individuals can think, but not too far outside the lines of those around them, or the louder personalities will draw them back in. -These lines can change though, depending on the strongest personality in the group. That is the difficulty with this type of structure because there are those individuals who like to state their thoughts as facts and those who like to follow, while both are simply students, learning, discussing thoughts.
Who is to say who is right and who is wrong?

Who has the right in these establishments to snuff out the inner unique voice of another individual, another religion, another culture? -A voice that comes to them from God and is their own special link to Him? I have seen this happen again and again on many levels in the physical world, from individuals to nations.

No, I don’t have much faith that this need for spiritual structure and discipline that so many are looking for, can be found in an established religious setting unless the institution allows God to lead and not the human ego. I don’t know if a human group can let this happen. They would have to put themselves aside and let God the Father take over. HE could make it happen, but I know He wishes us to come to Him; which means loving and being kind to one another. This, I believe, begins with learning to love and teach our own Ego the same way that the Father teaches and loves us.
Therefore, since my spiritual experiences began on Feb 2, 2000, I have a need for silent retreats, meditation, self-pilgrimages, and why I have chosen to retreat from parts of society. I am also drawn towards personal spiritual stories of nuns and saints because the Catholic Church, for all its faults throughout history, does understand the fundamental need for self-discipline and an understanding of the Whole that I have been taught through my own meditations. This understanding is that God is God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit, Three in One. The Catholic Church also understands that within this Whole, the Mother Mary is the Mother of God because she conceived from the Holy Spirit and gave birth to God, the Son. These are all Mysteries that I can feel and respond to within my own Being, which over the years the Father has taught and brought up through me, during meditations. There is a Knowing in these Mysteries that I cannot put into words but that resound solid within my Center.

Therefore, I can relate to and admire those who have chosen a direct path that is driven from within.
I also firmly believe and have been taught that spiritual structure should be sought strictly between God and the Self through vigorous self-reflection, daily mediation, and absence from our societies blaring distractions.
On the thought of spiritual strength… We cannot be afraid to be ourselves on our path. This is what is asked of us if we choose the path to God, to be brave and whole in Him and in our truest Self. This will likely mean going opposite of many parts of society. This also means that it may become necessary at times to withdraw emotionally, and if necessary, remove ourselves from those who try to control us with pressing emotions or opinions. These distractions are extremely harmful to the work and clarity needed to obtain Higher Awareness.
This does not mean that we separate ourselves from those we wish to connect with in anger- but rather to preserve the love we do feel for them.

I have also learned that this means being ourselves in a way that is so quiet that we are loud. It is through action and not forceful opinions that we are truly heard. It matters not what others think, say, or do. The only thing that should concern us individually is our own spiritual work. The overall picture and outcome-coming directly to the Father- is the only thing that matters.

This is not to be confused with not helping others. It is possible to help others by not giving advice or judging. It is possible to pull others up on their own paths by being open to and by always looking forward ourselves. Many paths become One because all is possible within God. He made us individually, yet one within Him. Therefore, He has taught me He will pull us all up because we all belong to Him. Through my experiences, I have been shown all paths lead to God. How we choose to follow our path is up to us- we can make it hard if we want to- but whether we accept or fight we will all be brought before Him.

On the thought of Ego…I am reminded to be wary of too much praise or support on earth because then I could rely on this as a crutch when I should rely on Him, the Father. There is protection and safety in this, and it builds the Spirit rather than feeding Ego.

I am learning the best way to deal with Ego is to first turn it completely over to God and then allow myself to love the Ego. I have learned this because the Ego is our child, just as we are God’s child- and we are responsible for our creation. It is when we spoil and ignore Ego that we suffer from Ego’s demanding presence. The worst thing I have learned that you can do is falsely build or blandly ignore or punish the needs of Ego. However, if you teach and acknowledge the special needs of your child then there is harmony between all levels; Spirit, Self, and Ego (Higher Conscience, Conscience, and Sub Conscience).

Like all spiritual lessons, this is a very difficult lesson to learn. It is easy to know this, to recognize it, but it is a whole other level to obtain it. There is nothing easy about spiritual growth. It is always uphill, but worthy of our Spirit and should be our main concern.

I am reminded again of the danger of religions that are infested with the man-made. Feasting off each other’s banded opinions or leaning too much on others’ praise is highly dangerous because it can inflate the demanding appetite of Ego.

On the thought of Spiritual Service and dealing with Ego…It is, I have learned, desired by the Father to share our individual experiences so long as we leave it for Him to decide how they will be received.
This is a very significant lesson because this means we must turn over to Him our Ego as well so that He can use this gift.

When we offer ourselves in this way, it is in service to God, and we never know how He will use us. I will say, though, it will be beyond anything that we in our human form can comprehend. -Indeed, for me, I did not understand for a long time- in fact, I am only now beginning to comprehend the magnitude of what happens.

To serve one must let go completely and allow God to take over. This action of letting go can be compared to the Church letting go to allow the full will of God to come through. This means letting go of our need for self-gratification.
This is very difficult and needs continuous attention.

I know because it has been very hard for me, as an individual to let go of my desire to shine in other eyes with the gift of my spiritual experiences that I write about.

It is not for me to glean gratification in this, but to share with happiness and allow the Father to use this as a way to teach both myself and those I am sharing with.

This, however, has been hard because in sharing I find joy, but also great pain.
The Father has many ways to teach. Often the reactions of others to my spiritual writings about my experiences are explosive. Other times people cry for happiness. Always, though, it pushes the individual up their path-either by encouraging them in their own Light…

…or by them questioning the experiences and having a great need to find their own answers.
Others are pushed forward because they come face to face with their fears and they either try to hide (and cannot because they cannot rest until they find their answers), or they become terribly angry and self-righteous- and this has its own lessons.

I have witnessed that when others read these experiences, for them it is like looking into a mirror, and people don’t often like what they see.

This is amazing to me because I have this drive in me to share these experiences that I know are beautiful. I know this drive is the Father pushing me forward and it is not my intent to force my views- that has never been written in my writings or intended, ever. Anyone who truly knows me, knows I am not capable of forcing myself on others. I prefer to keep to myself- I am quiet. The Father knows this.

This drive in me to share is a desire of pure happiness.

It surprises me that even after all the times I have been hurt, due to sharing these writings, I still forget this pain and thrust forward this joy. In this excitement, I forget the past. I forget that when other people read about these experience(s) they often rearrange them and completely misunderstand them, applying them to what I understand now are their own needs and obstacles. Not always- some who are confident on their own path can read them with clarity, but often this is not the case. Surprisingly, after all this time, the reactions still shock me. When I hear other people’s thoughts, I find that they have often read between the lines- so they only see what they need or want to see, and seldom what was written!

Still, though, I have this great need to sing out what I see, hear and feel…because the Father always brings me back to joy. In my own state within Him, I am very content and happy.

This is what is meant by the Father being the one to decide how these gifts to me, these experiences with Him, will be received. He uses them to teach. It isn’t for me to expect a wonderful reaction. It is enough that I have shared, but the outcome of how it will affect others is the Father’s decision.

On thoughts on what the Father wishes from me…I do know what He wishes from me. That is too above all know that He loves me and for me to love Him above all else and to trust Him completely. He wants me to be happy and myself. This means to dance within Him and through life unafraid.

He wishes me to share my knowledge of Him without restrictions, as an open gift.
He does not wish me to argue my beliefs, state them as facts, or to fight against those who judge me. Rather He wants me to stand firm in my beliefs, regardless of other thoughts or reactions because how He teaches me to think and live is pleasing to Him, and to me.

On the thought of being thankful…I am thankful for my Awareness of the Father and Mother and the gifts they have showered me with both in Spirit and on earth. For the Archangel Michael who has taught me so much and for all the angels and spirit teachers that help me. I am just glad I have been given the ability to know they are there.
I am truly blessed in my husband who takes such wonderful care of me! He is my other half that makes me whole. I am proud of him because he is a man of the greatest honor and integrity, giving himself fully to us, his family, and his country and I rejoice every day that we have one another. I am truly a blessed woman, and my life is full of abundance!
I am grateful for our children who have been such joy to us. I am proud of both for being who they are in this world of uncertainty. We have our grandchildren as well who are blessed gifts and make life so happy. If ever I am down, I think of them, and a smile radiates from me so big I can feel it across my face.

I am grateful that my husband and I, children and grandchildren are all together and that we support one another.
I am thankful for the new fabric created by all that the Father has taught me over the last 11 years. I understand that this new fabric is the strength not to be hurt or intimated by others because I know the lessons are all for a reason. It is the confidence that the Father has been building in me- the ability to express and breathe fully and to know that whatever He asks of me, no matter how hard, I will be given the strength to follow through because He always protects me- and I will return to Him when my time is done. I feel already this garment over me, this protection; the Father’s strength and Will. I know I can walk through life with courage and be myself, with understanding, because it is to the Father I run.

I can feel myself reaching up to accept my future.

I am thankful for the many gifts the Father has taught me. These will help me through my work. He has taught me to fully feel each moment, to give thanks for each moment, and to know that to Him I am beautiful, and He is proud of me. He has taught me that life is to be lived to the fullest and that it is His wish that we are happy. I find great satisfaction and beauty in simplicity; in being a wife, a mother, and grandmother, in taking care of domestic matters in a simple way, preparing and eating simple but beautiful food, doing laundry and dishes, writing, poetry, my artwork, going on sacred pilgrimages, and having my meditation time, my time with the Father. I like quiet, the Father’s voice…
not commotion- the rat race of modern-day life. The blaring of materialism and TV are especially rude intrusions into my thoughts. I am happiest with my daily schedule and calm. In this I can breathe.